Don't Tell Dad I'm Dating the Straw Hat
by Nehszriah
Summary: While the crew's sailing with Vivi, they come upon an island that has an annual circus! Yaoi fangirls, hijinks and plotting are abound as Usopp and Luffy replace acrobats! Silly challengefic from Savage Valentine
1. We're Joining the Circus

The following is a story not inspired by my own brain. The plot bunny for this fiction was given to me by _**Savage Valentine**_, so this story is dedicated to her. This is also dedicated to my brother _**Zanbato**_, who made sure I did as little character straying as possible, for as long as he could, before giving up and allowing me to use the fiction-ka powers of OOC comedy. Also, be warned, I'm going to fangirl-Japanese drop throughout this entire thing. It's to add to the eye-rolling-factor, since I'm not being serious, so I provided notes at the bottom.

I do not own _ONE PIECE.

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**Don't Tell Dad I'm Dating the Straw Hat**

Ichi: _We're Joining the Circus_

"Three weeks!?" Nami screeched at the tavern owner. The portly, older man behind the counter cringed at the noise, thankful that the blond man and the one with green hair were able to restrain her from hopping over the bar and injuring him.

"You heard me Miss," he replied. "The Log Pose is going to take three weeks to set. You might as well get comfortable here."

"That's ridiculous!" Nami huffed, jerking her hands away from the grasp of Zoro and Sanji. "How can an island take three whole weeks to set!? That's unfair!"

"Please, don't make me bring up Little Garden," Usopp sighed.

"Don't fret Miss," the tavern owner smiled. "The prices of the hotel rooms are very cheap for the three week span. It will only seem like a week to you change purse."

"Pfft," Nami scoffed. "Let's go you guys." She grabbed Vivi by the wrist and stormed off towards the exit, leaving the men of the crew to their devices.

"Ano… now what?" Usopp asked. The tavern owner cleared his voice and grabbed their attention once again.

"I'm sorry, but I really was speaking in your best interest. We here on this island dislike deceiving visitors because they have to stay here so long."

"Well, Nami can't tell the difference between help and a slap in the face," Zoro grunted.

"What'd you say Marimo-brain?" Sanji sneered, flicking his cigarette in preparation for a fight.

"No! No! This situation is understandable!" said the panicked tavern owner, worried that a clash of the cook and swordsman would destroy his establishment. "I just think that this crew is lucky, that's all."

"Lucky?" Chopper asked. "How?"

"We have a side show circus staying on the other side of the island," the man smiled. "They come every year, always when it seems that the level of outsiders is at its lowest. From what I gather, you seven might be the only outsiders on the island aside from the circus members." Chopper still looked as if he did not understand, but all that was solved with a cheerful outburst from his captain.

"A circus! How cool!" Luffy cheered. "I wanna go!" He grabbed Chopper and began to run out the door, but Sanji grabbed him by the nape of his vest and kept the boy-captain in the tavern.

"Hang on there," the blond said. "If you go, you need someone to go along with you."

"That's why I've got Chopper," Luffy explained, holding up the startled reindeer.

"Why don't you all go!" the tavern owner suggested cheerily. "Go on. Tell them that Henk sent you and they'll let you in the back. This is quite the event, one that should not easily be pushed aside if you have never experienced it before"

"Really?!" Luffy asked.

"Of course," Henk chuckled. "I've known the owner of the circus for years. He's a good friend of mine. He's a good man, that Pram."

"Then we're going!" Luffy announced seriously. He pointed at Zoro and put on the best serious tone he could. "Even you have to go Zoro! That's an order!"

"Like I want to go to some stupid circus," the swordsman yawned. "It'll be boring."

"Captain's orders!" Luffy repeated. Zoro glared at his captain for a moment before shuffling over to the rest of the group in an irritated fashion.

"You better not make me regret this," he growled. Luffy just happily laughed and rushed out of the tavern, dragging a violently cursing Zoro right behind him.

"Ah, damn," Chopper sighed. Sanji and Usopp rolled their eyes and walked out in order to find their crewmates, no matter how much Zoro deserved being stuck watching over Luffy. Henk the tavern owner simply laughed as the five disappeared from sight. He picked up the Den Den Mushi from a shelf behind the bar and pressed the call button.

"_What is it?_" asked a gruff voice from the other end.

"You've got yourself some visitors," Henk said. "It's the Mugiwara."

"_Mugiwara!?_"

"Hai."

"_Thanks_." The other voice hung up his end and Henk smiled broadly.

**80808080808080808**

"Wow!" Luffy half-gasped. The five pirates were at the circus and it seemed as if the man Henk had not been lying in the least. Once they had arrived, they found one of the brightly painted clowns and mentioned Henk. The clown-man, who was named Moogles, had smiled and led them to a large tent that had a big restriction warning on the front entrance. Inside the tent, there were all sorts of animals and people milling about, everyone one of them brightly dressed or exotic looking to an infinite degree.

"Oh! There are so many gorgeous beauties here!" Sanji swooned as a pair of dancers walked past. They twittered and waved at him, causing the blond chef to go heart-eyed and skip off.

"One down," Zoro muttered, watching Sanji out of the corner of his eye. He then watched as Usopp and Chopper found themselves gravitating towards the large crocodile and Luffy began to tease a lion.

"I would guess that you are the common sense of the group?" asked Moogles. Zoro looked over at the clown and frowned.

"They're just an embarrassment, that's all," he scoffed.

"Have you worked in the circus before?" wondered Moogles, getting right in Zoro's face. "You look familiar, that's for sure."

"No, no I haven't," Zoro cringed, stepping away from the personal space invasion. With every step Zoro seemed to take, Moogles took another to match it. Finally, the swordsman gave up and just stood there, trying to seem as resolute as possible.

"Come with me," Moogles said, grabbing Zoro by the wrist and running off. Zoro cursed loudly, as it was now the second time he was taken someplace against his will. He tried to get the attention of his crewmates, but had no such luck as they were all still very much occupied with their own little activities.

"This place is fun!" Luffy smiled, giving the lion a large hug. Usopp and Chopper walked over to their captain and the lion as the large animal began to growl.

"Luffy, you better get off his tail," Chopper suggested. Luffy looked down to see that he was indeed standing on the lion's tail and carefully lifted his foot to release it. The lion licked Luffy in return, sending the teen into a fit of giggles.

"I'm glad that Kimba likes you," said a female voice. The three pirates looked over to see a rather tall, thin woman dressed in an exotic dancer's dress and had beads strewn through her long raven hair. Usopp closed his eyes tight and tried to figure out if he was dreaming or not, but decided that he was not when he opened his eyes and she was still there.

"Well, I like Kimba too!" Luffy grinned. The woman laughed at the sincerity in Luffy's voice and smiled kindly.

"My name is Elsa. Who may you three be?"

"I'm Luffy!"

"I'm Chopper!"

"I'm the Dread Captain Usopp!" The sniper's knees began quaking, amusing the woman greatly.

"I can only assume that the swordsman Moogles has in the wardrobe is one of yours?" she asked.

"…and that guy over there!" Luffy announced, pointing over at Sanji, who was still flirting mercilessly. Elsa looked over at the chef and sighed.

"Well, at least I know who to watch out for," she sighed. Usopp let out a little laugh as the lion Luffy was still hugging began to growl.

"Don't do that!" Chopper scolded the lion. The beast growled again and Chopper thought for a moment. "I don't think Sanji would do anything too bad. We are going to have to just trust him."

"Can you talk to Kimba?" Elsa asked.

"Of course! I am a reindeer!" Chopper said happily. Elsa laughed at herself for not realizing and pet Chopper on top of his hat.

"Wai! Elsa-san! Wai! Elsa-san! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!" shouted a small boy, who ran through the tent screaming at the top of his lungs. "Bad news! Bad news!"

"What is it Mike?" Elsa asked, bending down to comfort the small boy, who seemed to be no more than six years old.

"Sai-nii and Kai-nii are sick with a really bad tummy-ache and the throw-ups!" Mike cried, tears and snot streaming down from his face. "Pram-san says that we need replacements to work with Darla-nee or we have no show!"

"Don't worry," Elsa said softly, hugging the boy again. She turned towards Usopp and Luffy, with a stern look upon her face. "Can you two help us out? How limber are you?"

"Very," Usopp said, sticking his foot behind his head as an example. Luffy just bent over backwards and put his head between his legs, completely showing up Usopp. "Pfft. You're such a show-off."

"Go tell Pram-san that we have our replacements," Elsa told Mike. The boy nodded and ran off as fast as he could.

"Does this mean that we're in the show?" Usopp asked after unsticking his foot.

"Of course," Elsa said with a smile. "Now, let's go get Darla and introduce you two to her. She's the third acrobat in the group."

"An acrobat!" Usopp sighed happily. "These women are getting better and better!" He then stopped, shook his head and looked over at Luffy and Chopper. "Am I sounding like Sanji to you guys?"

"Yes," Luffy and Chopper said together. Usopp groaned out of disgust and joined his crewmates in following Elsa to the other side of the tent.

"Darla!" Elsa snapped, looking up at the top of the tent. "Sai and Kai are out sick! These are the replacements! Come down and say hello!"

"Hi there!" returned a sweet female voice. Usopp, Chopper and Luffy looked up to see that there was a teenaged girl swinging around from cords on the high ceiling. Chopper looked back down and covered his mouth, having gotten vertigo just by looking at her.

"Come on! You need to train them!" Elsa snapped. "The show's tomorrow and from what Mike said, the other two probably have the flu!"

"Coming!" shouted Darla. Those on the ground watched as the teen grabbed hold of a long rope and slid down to the ground. Now that she was in plainer view, the three pirates could see that she was built thin and strong, possessing sky-blue hair that she had pulled back, dark eyes and a bright smile. She was dressed in a violet leotard, gloves and stockings, giving the illusion of her wearing a full body suit.

"Darla, these three are Usopp, Luffy and Chopper," Elsa explained. "Usopp and Luffy here are going to be Sai and Kai's temporary replacements."

"They seem pretty scrawny to me," Darla scoffed, looking over the two teens critically. "Are you sure they can do the moves?"

"Of course," Elsa sighed. She grabbed hold of Luffy's elbow and yanked hard on his wrist. "This one at least ate a Devil Fruit."

"That will make things a little easier," Darla said. She gave the pirates another good visual examination and sighed. "I guess they'll have to do. I'll meet you guys later. I haven't eaten yet today. Meet me after lunch." With that, she walked off, leaving Luffy, Chopper and Usopp to stand there with Elsa.

"You're one of us now," Elsa smiled slyly. She too began to walk off, except did not leave in such a rush. "Report to the main tent in an hour; all three of you. Be there, or things are going to be worse for you than if you show up on time." With that, the woman walked off to wherever she was going and left the pirate trio completely alone in the tent.

"Wow! This is going to be fun, isn't it minna?" Chopper asked excitedly. "I can't wait to see what they let me do!"

"Maybe this is a chapter in the diary of the Dread Captain Usopp better left unwritten," Usopp gulped, looking up at the immense height that was where Darla had been standing. He was interrupted only when Luffy pulled on his arm. Usopp glanced over to see his captain in distress.

"Usopp?" Luffy asked.

"Yeah?"

"Remember that voice we agreed should be in my head?"

"Luffy, you mean your conscious?"

"Yeah, that."

"What about it?"

"I don't like it anymore. It sounds like Sanji too. We're not turning into Sanji, are we?"

"I hope not Luffy," Usopp said, sounding quite resolute. "Actually, I hope to the gods that we're not."

**80808080808080808**

"Hey, Nami?" Vivi asked as she sipped on her drink. The navigator looked over with an arched eyebrow and a mouthful of cake.

"Mmff?"

"Shouldn't we have taken the guys with us? I mean, they could get lost or captured or even…"

"Nah," Nami laughed, swallowing her cake. "Let's just enjoy this time we have without them arguing in our ears." She leaned back in the comfortable restaurant chair and smiled. "They'll turn up eventually."

"I do hope you are right," Vivi said, a look of worry plastered upon her face. The ginger-haired woman sighed and shook her head.

"Oh, come on now," Nami groaned. "They can take care of themselves and Luffy at the same time. Any worrying you're doing is only going to turn your hair grey and I doubt you'd like that at sixteen."

"I guess you're right," Vivi smiled nervously. "Want to go do some more shopping in town?"

"I like your way of thinking."

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**Translations** (_because I know that someone out there's gonna be clueless and that's alright_)

Marimo: Sanji's nickname for Zoro, for it is a type of round green seaweed/algae

Den Den Mushi: those snail-o-phone things

Mugiwara: Straw Hat

Hai: yes

Wai: another way to scream, especially if you're a young child or female


	2. Fangirls and Backflips

I don't know why I'm updating. None of you deserve it. I would like to have some reviews the next time I update, please? Is it too much to ask? Even Anonymous Reviews work. I do not own _One Piece_.

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**Don't Tell Dad I'm Dating the Straw Hat**

Ni: Fangirls and Backflips

Zoro walked through the labyrinthine corridors and sighed, accepting that he was hopelessly lost. It had been hours since Moogles had abducted him and sure enough, the swordsman was now unable to find any of his crewmates. Usually there was some sort of loud racket for him to follow, but this time the entire place was a big, huge disturbance… which really did not help much at all.

"How can a tent have so many damn halls and rooms?" he wondered aloud. Well, it was not all that bad. Moogles had been trying to dress him up after all. It irritated Zoro how a fully grown man could think that he was some oversized nursery doll.

Opening up a door, Zoro cursed when all he found was a room full of costumes. He tried the door next to it and saw that it was a storage room for props. Cursing loudly again, he kicked against the door across the hallway from the last. It broke open and revealed a very startled dancer woman who appeared to have been very content with her companion, her leg hoisted so that it had begun to wrap around the blond chef's waist in order to make their embrace volumes more intimate. As soon as she saw Zoro however, she jumped back from Sanji and scuttled off. Zoro looked at the woman, completely confused and wondering why she had to bolt like that.

"Aho-marimo!" Sanji snapped, going and kicking Zoro in the head. "I was almost about to get some! How dare you take that away from me!?"

"Oi! I never did anything on purpose, shit-cook!" Zoro growled, reaching for his swords. Before he could reach the hilts, however, Sanji had already landed another kick on his shoulder, sending Zoro to the floor. The blond decided to pin his prey to the ground, taking Zoro's wrists and securing them in place with his own hands. Zoro scoffed as he found Sanji hovering only inches above him, trapping him as if he was some woman he wanted so horribly that he just cut to the chase and skipped the pre-bang flirting.

"You never, _ever_, should get in my way when it comes to women," Sanji sneered, glaring evilly down at Zoro. The blond dug his knee into the swordsman's thigh, so as to cause him pain. Zoro's reaction was a large wad of snot and spit propelled into Sanji's right eye.

"Bastard…"

"Marimo…"

The two men remained solid in their stalemate, neither man moving a muscle and giving the other the potential to beat the living guts from the enemy. In fact, Zoro almost fell asleep laying there under Sanji's grasp; that is until a shrill squeal could be heard not too far off. The chef and swordsman looked over down the hall to see a group of what appeared to be women, all smiles and giggles.

"Look minna!" said one of the girls, pointing at Sanji and Zoro. "Shonen-ai bishonen!" The rest of the girls squealed and the pack moved together towards the fighting men.

"Oh, shit," Zoro cursed, throwing off Sanji in a panic. When he discovered that the chef was just waiting with a heart eye for the women to advance upon him, he grabbed the man by the wrist and dragged him off as well.

"What are you doing shit-marimo!?" Sanji objected as they ran down the hallway.

"Just run away!" Zoro shouted back. "I've had to deal with girls like this before back when I traveled with Johnny and Yosaku!"

"What's so wrong about them!?" Sanji asked angrily as Zoro made them turn a corner, losing the women. Zoro stopped dragging him along, turned around and panted heavily.

"They don't want to be with us," he said with exasperation. "They want the two of us to make out."

"I'll gladly kiss every last one of those lovely beauties," Sanji cooed, going heart-eyed at some invisible female. Zoro took his crewmate by the shoulders and shook him back to reality.

"They don't want to kiss us," Zoro said, his face now pale and frightened. "They want us to make out with each other! You and me… kiss! Not them!"

"Wha…?" Sanji gasped. He thought about how the two of them were positioned when the girls found them. His mouth gaped open in shock. Had there been a cigarette there, it would have fallen to the floor, but considering the events of the past twenty minutes, there had no time to light up another. "Zoro, you can't be serious."

"They'll steal our clothes and force us to do nasty things with one another until they give them back," Zoro said grimly, remembering solemnly the fate of the other two bounty hunters. Sanji could tell that this time, Zoro was not just yanking his chain. Obviously, the swordsman truly had dealt with creatures such as these before and was not willing to deal with them again. In a panic, Sanji lit up a new cigarette in order to calm down. He was about halfway done burning it to the filter when the gaggle of females reappeared at the end of the hallway.

"Get them!" squealed their leader. A volley of girlish squeaks and yelps were heard and the girls began to make their advance.

"RUN!" both guys screamed at the same time. Spinning on their heels, Zoro and Sanji took off for what would hopefully be safety in some unknown place.

"I told you!" Zoro said.

"Oh, shut up!"

**80808080808080808**

"This is where we were supposed to meet Darla-san, right?" Chopper asked inquisitively. He was standing in the middle of an empty tent with Usopp and Luffy and no Darla to be seen. It had definitely been an hour since they had last seen her and were beginning to worry about the girl.

"Usopp! I don't want the voice to sound like Sanji again!" Luffy cried into the sniper's shoulder. "I wanna go back to _Merry_-go!"

"We have to stay here," Usopp sighed. "Besides, we can't leave this island for three weeks. Do you really want to be on the ship for three weeks when you could be wandering around the island instead?" Luffy looked at him with watery eyes and nodded lightly.

"There you guys are!" came Darla's voice. The pirates looked to see that Darla had walked into the tent looking very cross. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"Elsa-san told us to meet you here!" Chopper explained. Darla looked over at him and smiled.

"Did she?"

"Hai!"

"Okay then, I guess it was just miscommunication," she said. She looked over at the two human teens and snickered slightly. Luffy was hiding behind Usopp like a frightened bunny being confronted by a wolf. His face was bright red and she could have sworn she heard a whimpering sound.

"Stop that!" Usopp snapped, shoving Luffy away. Darla laughed as the two began to fight, ultimately ending up being something she needed to become involved in.

"Alright you two," she said after pounding their foreheads together. "You guys are going to be my partners for this act, right?"

"Right!" Luffy and Usopp said, saluting vigorously.

"This means that you two have to prove to me what you've got. What kind of special talents do you have?"

"I'll show you!" Luffy gladly volunteered. He took hold of Usopp's hand and ran off towards the other side of the tent, allowing his arm to stretch out. Darla gasped at the sight.

"Elsa-san was not kidding… someone with the Gomu-Gomu no Mi can stretch significantly."

"Yeah," Usopp sighed, scratching the back of his head. "This is nothing though. "I've seen a man whose arm was naturally this long. It was back in the spring of eighty-nine and I remember it well…"

"Watch out!" Darla gasped. Usopp looked over towards where Luffy was and had no time to react. Luffy's arm was going back to normal, sending the rest of his body through the air like a slingshot. Usopp let go of Luffy's hand and threw himself to the floor in Evasive Maneuver Number Twelve. Darla, however, was caught up by the rubber-man's speed and the two of them collided and ended up bouncing across the tent in a large mess of surprise and embarrassment.

"What in the…!?" Darla asked, startled out of her mind. She sat up and realized that Luffy had ended up strewn across her lap. She gently pushed him off as Chopper and Usopp ran over to them.

"Don't worry; you get used to it," Usopp said, offering a hand to help her get up. Darla accepted it and found that Luffy was rendered unconscious. Actually, it was more like he was sleeping, but Darla did not exactly care to find out. She looked down at the rubber teen and smiled.

"Oh, Luffy," Chopper groaned, taking his captain's pulse. "Why do you always have to be so reckless?"

"So then this is not a random occurrence?" Darla asked.

"No," Usopp and Chopper sighed. Darla laughed slightly and then seized Usopp's wrist.

"Come on," she said, dragging Usopp off towards the training equipment. "Luffy or no Luffy, we still have to get ready for tomorrow's show!"

"Hey! I'm up!" Luffy announced, springing back to his feet. The other three looked at him and smiled.

**80808080808080808**

Henk slipped through the carnival crowd stealthily, barely being noticed by anyone despite his broad build. He passed by a flamboyantly depressed Moogles and walked into the back portion of the tents. Going by practiced memory and instinct, he entered one of the corridors and a room attached to it. An older man with colorful face paint and blue-grey hair sat at a table, attempting to play checkers with himself. The man stroked his large red nose in thought and jumped six pieces in a row, letting out a defeated groan.

"Oi, Pram," Henk said, alerting the checkers-playing man to his presence. Pram saw Henk and scowled.

"What do you want? You already told me about the Mugiwara. We're setting up the trap to capture him as we speak…"

"Pram-saaaaan, when can we come out…?" whined a voice from a chest in the corner. Pram walked over and kicked the chest.

"Ah, shut up! All in due time, you lily dogs!"

"Is that Sai's voice?" Henk asked.

"Yup," Pram grinned. Henk simply smacked his forehead and sighed.

"You're getting Darla-chan into this?"

"Why not? It's about time she does her part!"

"She's your granddaughter, Pram. She's only fifteen…"

"All the more reason for her to help me!" Pram said, now much giddier than before. "I've got her training two of the pirates, including the Mugiwara, to replace Sai and Kai while they have the 'flu', I went and sent fangirls after two more of them. Those men will surrender before any of them knows what's going on."

"Fangirls…?" Henk questioned. "Isn't that a bit harsh?"

"Not at all," Pram scoffed. "The damn green-haired one broke Moogles's heart by running away from him; it's only just of me to sic the fangirls on him. Now as long as Darla-chan can properly gain the trust of the rest of the crew for me, we'll be fine!"

"There are two women in the crew, you know," Henk said blandly.

"Bah, that does not matter; they're women. Now, do you think I should tell Darla-chan about what we're doing?"

"You never told Darla-chan!?" Henk now broke out into a panic. "What happens if she becomes attached!?"

"Relax," Pram said, waving his hand limply. "She's not going to become attached before tomorrow night. That's impossible."

"I hope you're right," Henk sighed, rubbing this temples out of frustration. "Actually, you better be right."

**80808080808080808**

"Oh, come on, you can do it Usopp-san!" Darla shouted up at the ceiling of the tent. The sniper was currently frozen in his spot on the trapeze platform. Luffy and Chopper were both standing next to Darla, looking up at Usopp excitedly.

"Come on Usopp! You can do it!" Chopper cheered.

"Yeah!" Luffy shouted. "Don't let us down! Besides, I'd catch you if you fell!"

"Thanks! That makes me feel _so_ much better!" Usopp snapped, sarcasm peppering his voice. He stood in his place for a few more minutes before Darla decided to take the lack of action into her own hands.

"Luffy-kun," she asked sweetly. "Can you go up there and help out Usopp-san for me?" She gave him a wide-eyed glance, batting her eyelashes. The straw-hatted teen nodded with a gulp as his face turned red again. Stretching his arms up to the top, he went up and joined the weak-kneed Usopp up in the rafters.

"Usopp!" Luffy wailed. "I'm having the Sanji Thoughts again! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"If you are thinking like Sanji so much, then why don't you go and make yourself a sandwich," Usopp sighed, rolling his eyes. He gasped out of surprise as Luffy hugged him around the middle in desperation.

"I'm not thinking about food! It scares me! Help, help!"

"Get off of me!" Usopp demanded, trying to get Luffy to let go. He ended up stepping on the edge of the platform and lost his balance. Still holding onto the trapeze ropes, the sniper fell over the edge, screaming at the top of his lungs and taking Luffy with him. The two swung through the air, entangling themselves in the ropes.

"We have a long way to go still, don't we?" Darla asked. Luffy and Usopp gave a nervous laugh each and sighed.

* * *

**Translations**

Aho: idiot

Minna: everyone/everybody

Shounen-ai: boy love

Bishounen: pretty boy/s


	3. Separation Anxiety

Thanks go out to **_Sakura_**-chan and _**Dream**_-san for reviewing. You guys are great. I do not own One Piece.

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**Don't Tell Dad I'm Dating the Straw Hat**

San: _Separation Anxiety_

"So, is it safe?" Sanji asked. He looked at the swordsman in the dim light impatiently.

"I don't know," Zoro answered gruffly.

"We're in a closet together, baka," Sanji growled. "This is more like a place to get laid, not be stuck with you. Shouldn't it be quiet enough out there?"

"Let's check," Zoro snapped. He unfastened Yubashiri from his haramaki and creaked the door open, carefully sticking the scabbard through the crack. There was a shrill screaming noise from the other side of the door and Zoro quickly retreated. "Does that answer your question, crap-cook?"

"It had to be a horde of yaoi fangirls," the blond muttered, sitting down on the floor. "It could have been fangirls devoted to me. All me! There must be something wrong with them…"

"Just because a girl doesn't fall for your charm doesn't mean that she's off her rocker." Zoro sat down next to Sanji and leaned up against the wall. "I bet that there's been plenty of girls who have just smacked you across the face once you open your mouth."

"Yuri," Sanji said simply. Zoro laughed.

"You are pathetic, aren't you?" he swordsman chuckled. "I bet you're still a virgin too."

"Oh, shut up," Sanji snarled, elbowing Zoro in the side angrily.

"I love it when I'm right."

"I said to be quiet."

"Sure."

So with that, Zoro and Sanji completely stopped talking altogether. Zoro smiled in triumph and Sanji scowled in defeat. They stayed like that for a long time, until Zoro fell asleep out of boredom. Without realizing it, the green-haired man slumped down so that he was leaning on Sanji's shoulder. The chef grunted and shoved Zoro off.

_Idiot_, he thought as Zoro curled up on the floor. Sanji then surveyed the area of the closet. It was not very wide, being only maybe four feet in width, but was very deep, most likely reaching eight feet in length. Deciding to take this to his advantage, Sanji decided that although he would have to be slightly touching the marimo-head, as long as his feet were towards Zoro's face, it would be alright if he stretched out on his back for a smoke. He lit the cigarette and laid down, purposely kicking Zoro's forehead a few times in the process. After relaxing, Sanji ground out the cigarette and turned onto his side, falling easily asleep. It was not long before Zoro woke up with a cough, choking on the smoke still lingering from Sanji's cigarette. After Zoro caught his breath, he curled up on the ground again and promptly fell into a deep sleep.

**80808080808080808**

"Good! This is good! You two really have improved!" Darla cheered, clapping for Luffy and Usopp as they flew through the air with the assistance of the trapeze cords. It was getting close to dinnertime and after a long day of falling and becoming tangled, the two replacements had learned their act thoroughly. Both fell down on a mat below the wires and collapsed out of exhaustion.

"I better go get some food for them," Chopper said before scuttling off. "Just watch over them for me, please?"

"Sure," Darla said. She walked over to the mat and sat down cross-legged between Luffy and Usopp. She looked at the sniper and blinked deftly. The girl then looked over at the captain, allowing a smile to cross her lips. She watched as Luffy lay spread-eagle on his back, breathing deeply.

"This is hard work," Luffy panted.

"I think you two are ready to help out tomorrow night," Darla laughed. Luffy looked at her smiling face and let out a weak chuckle himself.

"You think so?"

"I know so." Darla shifted in her spot and laid down on her back, gazing up at the ratted tent ceiling with the trapeze rope hanging from it.

Suddenly, Darla felt something tug at her feet. She jerked into a sitting position and saw that Luffy was curled up, hugging her ankles tightly and fast asleep.

"Usopp-san!" Darla gasped. "What is Luffy-kun doing!?"

"Oh, don't worry about it," Usopp sighed. "He'll stop once Chopper comes with his food. He never passes on dinner."

"Waugh!" screamed Chopper, as if following Usopp's cue. The little doctor ran into the tent in full reindeer form, a pack of screaming, squealing fangirls behind him. The mob ran in, pausing only to look briefly at Usopp, Luffy and Darla before wrinkling their noses, someone muttering about a Mary Sue threesome, and running off again after the reindeer.

"Now I have no clue about them," Darla said before Usopp could even open his mouth to speak.

Then again, a pack of screaming fangirls is hardly ever normal, even for the circus.

**80808080808080808**

Nami tapped her foot impatiently and scowled. She glared up at the clock on the galley wall, officially irritated.

"I am sure they will come back soon," Vivi assured. "I don't think that they would run away on us."

"Vivi," Nami said icily, "it is six-thirty in the evening. Sanji has not even started to make dinner."

"Maybe he thought we were all going to eat out tonight?" the princess offered. She shrugged and gave a little smile, trying her best to calm down the furious redhead.

"If they are not back here by sunset," Nami growled, "heads will roll in the morning."

**80808080808080808**

Sanji shifted comfortably, pleased by the unknown source of warmth that was wrapped around him. He lay perfectly still, trying to remember where he was and why he was there, considering he could feel a hard dirt floor beneath him. He was unsure about how long he had been sleeping, but that did not matter, for he was warm and despite the floor, amazingly comfortable.

_Oh yeah, that's right, the closet_, he muttered silently. _I better wake up the marimo-brain and see if we can get out of here…_ Sanji went to sit up, but found that something was holding him in place.

That something was Zoro's arm.

The chef was furious, to say the least. He snapped open his eyes to find that his nose was barely an inch from Zoro's chest, which explained why he was so warm. Feeling very, _very_, _**very**_ _**filthy**_, Sanji's reflexes "slipped" and he rammed his knee between Zoro's legs. Zoro awoke with a start and a profane expletive. He glared over at Sanji once he gained his bearings and hissed.

"You dickweed!" the green-haired man growled. Sanji simply lit a cigarette and sneered.

"You were the one invading my personal space," the blond reasoned. "I am not your teddy bear or your uke."

"Hey, I can't help it if I do that," Zoro grunted, as if he knew exactly what Sanji was talking about. "It wouldn't have mattered if you were Luffy, Vivi, Usopp or even a porcupine, but that's what I do in my sleep if I'm laying down. That's why I always sleep sitting up unless I'm in my hammock. Actually, right now, I think I'd rather end up hugging a porcupine than you."

"Only because you know that I would so totally be the seme," Sanji teased. He was disgusted with the very idea himself, but nitpicking at the swordsman's manhood was always fun, no matter his own personal expense.

"Bastard."

"Are those swords compensating for something we don't know about?"

"Go screw yourself."

"'Cause I'm just that good," Sanji chuckled, a sly grin wiping across his face.

Not even a second later, the chef found himself being tackled, two firm hands clutching his throat. Sanji gasped for air and this time his reflexes were natural. He kicked against the ground, using the momentum to flip Zoro over so that the shit-swordsman busted down the door and was on his back, seizing the moment to drive his elbow into his throat. Zoro coughed violently, spittle forming at the corners of his mouth. He let go and threw Sanji off, rolling over so that he could support himself against the ground with his hands as he gasped for life.

"That's what you get, shit-marimo," Sanji said, his voice raspy. He then gasped when he realized that they were out of the safety of the closet. The chef curled up into a ball, expecting the worst of the squealing wrongness to attack him, but nothing came. Sanji glanced around, finding that actually, he and Zoro were the only two in the hallway.

"Well, this is odd," he said, standing up and brushing the dust off of his suit. "I thought you said something about them not leaving."

"They must have been distracted," Zoro wheezed, almost having recovered from the scuffle. "Come on, we have to go find Nami and Vivi. They can talk some sense into those crazy-nasties."

"Why Nami-san and Vivi-chan?" Sanji sneered.

"I don't want their help either, but they should be able to talk to the fangirls so that we can get them to leave us all alone."

"'_Us all'_?" Sanji questioned. "What do you mean by that… or is it that you just can't speak correctly?"

"Think about it," Zoro grunted. "What about the rest of the crew? I bet they were the ones who accidentally distracted them." Sanji's eyes grew wide as he paused mid-reach for a cigarette.

"No!" he gasped, his face turning slightly green with nausea. "They're two ukes and bestiality in the making! That's just wrong!"

"Exactly," Zoro said calmly. He folded his arms akimbo and gave a slight nod. "I'd bet you any amount of money that at least one of the girls can speak their language."

"Then we have to go find Nami-san and Vivi-chan!" Sanji cried, shaking Zoro's shoulders desperately. Zoro just raised his eyebrow and frowned.

"Uke," he muttered. Sanji let out a faint squeak and removed his hands from the swordsman's shoulders. Zoro then took off, running in the direction he thought Nami and Vivi would be in. Sanji unfortunately followed, not wanting to be caught alone against the horde of fangirls, because even he knew that they were probably his only weakness.

**80808080808080808**

Contrary to Zoro's theory of sheer brilliance, Usopp and Luffy were not being tortured by the yaoi fangirls. In fact, they were quite safe from said fangirls. Although neither teen had seen Chopper since the day before, they were pleased with the fact that they had not been so much as touched on accident the entire time they had been there. Usopp had been forced to fetch dinner and he, Luffy and Darla all ate together. Afterwards, it was very late, so the three had ended up collapsing on one another, Darla and Usopp's shoulders touching as they were sitting up against the wall of the walk-in costume wardrobe and Luffy ended up spreading himself over Darla's lap while sleeping. It was a sight to see when Pram and Henk walked into the wardrobe, looking for where Darla had gone.

"Whaaa…!" Pram began to shout. His scream was cut off by Henk's hand as the man dragged his out of the wardrobe and into the hall.

"Stay calm Pram!" Henk half-whispered. "They're sleeping! Do you really want to wake them up!?" Pram pried the hand from his mouth and scoffed.

"That is my granddaughter in there!" Pram argued.

"Yes, doing the exact thing I warned you about," Henk sighed. "What are you going to do besides break her heart? Do you want another runaway?"

"No," Pram said curtly. "Runaways are supposed to join the circus, not leave them."

"Exactly," Henk nodded. "We have to make this more an accident than ever, but not get Darla in harm's way. This means that guns are out of the question, as well as sabotaging the ropes."

"Well, we were already told that guns don't work on the Mugiwara," Pram mentioned sourly.

"Exactly. My guess is that we need to use some of the uncanny imagination that we're infamous for," Henk chuckled. The two men gave one another a high-five and walked off to go plot maniacally. Little did they know that Usopp, who had not been asleep at all when the men walked into the wardrobe, had been listening to the conversation with his ear pressed against the door.

"Oh no!" he whispered. The sniper's face flushed as he looked over at Luffy and Darla curled up together, unaware of anything that was going on around them. Usopp gulped and clenched his fist. He was going to have to be the Dread Captain Usopp and protect Luffy and Darla from Pram and Henk, no matter how strange the situation seemed. He stood up and his knees turned wobbly. He shrank back down to the floor and whimpered.

Maybe, just to be fair, he should give Pram and Henk a head start.

**80808080808080808**

Chopper looked around in fright. He had been running a good part of the night and was exhausted. He collapsed onto the ground while still in full reindeer form. There was no two ways about it; he had to find the others, fast.

_Where is everyone!?_ he whined internally. _I wish I stayed with Nami and Vivi! Then I wouldn't be in this mess!_

"There he is!" screeched the shrill voice of the Head Fangirl. Chopper's eyes grew wide and he tried to run, but found that his legs were worn out to the point of not being able to move. Panicking, Chopper screamed in terror as the shadows closed in on him. Instinct made him transform into his half-humanoid form, which caused some squealing to erupt from the pack of fangirls. Chopper wished that he got out of this nightmare alive.

Besides, how was having a blue nose anything even closely considered "kawaii"?

* * *

**Translations**

Baka: idiot

Yaoi: guy-on-guy action

Mary Sue: female OC characters with no personality and chiefly serve as self-inserts and romantic interests for canon characters, not to be confused with the male counterpart Gary Stu, or an actual OC with purpose

Seme: the dominant person in a relationship

Uke: the submissive person in a relationship


	4. Lovestruck, Lost and Livid

Thanks go out to **_Sakura_**-chan and _**Dream**_-san, as usual. I think this chapter's fun. I do not own _One Piece_. Oh, by the way, Chapter Five is the last chapter, to be updated when I update _Illicit Memories_.

* * *

**Don't Tell Dad I'm Dating the Straw Hat**

Shi: _Love-struck, Lost and Livid_

"Oh, you two look great in those costumes!" Darla squealed as Luffy and Usopp stepped out from behind the dressing curtain. The two teenaged boys were now dressed in full-length leotards, covering their skin from the wrists and ankles all the way up to their necks. Luffy's costume was a bright red while Usopp's was a golden color, though both shimmered with sparkle that was woven into the fabric. The show was only two hours away and being the third act, they had to be prepared ahead of time.

"Too... good... look... you..." Luffy replied softly. He stood partially behind Usopp, his face turning red underneath his straw hat.

"You look good too Darla," Usopp translated. Luffy had been right; the costume Darla was currently wearing was much prettier than the one from the day before. It was sky blue to match her hair and looked more like a sequined one-piece swimming suit than something to wear while on a trapeze.

"Elsa-san told me that the crowd is supposed to be growing for our opening show!" Darla said excitedly. "Everyone on the island has heard that we've got replacements for Sai-kun and Kai-kun and they're all excited! This is the first time in a long time that we've allowed outsiders to participate."

"Really?" Usopp asked, fidgeting with the tight suit. "How long has it been since the last time?"

"Sixteen years," Darla said, cracking a small smile. "It was my mom. She was one of the best gymnasts this place has ever seen."

"Your mom's here Darla?" Luffy asked slowly. Darla shook her head, but failed to frown.

"Nope. She died years ago after I was born, and my dad left even before that even happened. My grandpa pretty much raised me for as long as I can remember. It's alright, I guess. I've never missed them and I don't think I even met my dad until I was eight. Everyone here's like family, so even if someone's missing their parents, they'll never really feel alone."

"Sounds better than what I had," Usopp replied. He thought about his village, Kaya and his own parents.

"This talk is bad luck," Darla nodded. "Let's get to practicing!" She then walked away towards a tent that had been set aside for pre-show practice.

"Usopp," Luffy said softly. The sniper looked over his shoulder to see that his captain was still standing behind him. "I don't wanna go…"

"You have to go!" Usopp sighed, turning to face the unusually meek Luffy. "What's the matter with you?!"

"This thing isn't comfy…"

"Oh, you are a wimp! Besides, we need to stay around Darla for as long as we can!" Usopp rubbed his temples in annoyance. "Listen, I don't like this stupid suit either, but we made an agreement and we're going to keep it. Do you think the world can have a Pirate King who does not keep his promises?"

"…but this is different!"

Usopp's face grew expressionless as he looked at Luffy. "How is this different? Tell me."

"Darla…" the straw-hatted teen said, blush rising on his cheeks. Usopp threw up his arms and groaned.

"Now of all times!" he exclaimed. Usopp scowled at Luffy, who gave an apologetic smile in return.

**80808080808080808**

"Don't you remember where in the hell we're supposed to be going?" Zoro asked sourly. He and Sanji were standing at the end of a curtained hall, pale light from the sun filtering though the tarp of the tent surrounding them. Sanji lit another cigarette and glanced around skittishly.

"Nope," he said. "Everything looks the same. Plus, every time we seem to get closer to the crowd, it turns out to be a dead end. We're trapped."

"Damn," the swordsman grunted, scratching his head. "Breaking out by force could possibly hurt people too. This really sucks."

"I'm just worried about the others," Sanji replied. "Those fangirls could very possibly rip them apart."

"Our ukes and bestiality…" Zoro trailed off. He then scoffed and shook his head. "If we do get captured though, I call Luffy."

"You're sick." The chef grimaced out of the mere thought of being at the mercy of the warped beauties. He was unsure of how much self-control he could muster if he was captured, even if the acts involved being lewd and, erm, Usopp. The mental image was scarring enough; being able to live through such an experience would definitely be more than challenging.

Shaking his head in disgust at his own thoughts, Sanji calmly began to walk in the direction he and Zoro had just come from. They rejoined the main hallway and began walking in a random direction, not caring too much anymore where they went. It was all irrelevant. His Nami-san was nowhere inside the back-halls of the circus. He was doomed to be captured, never see Nami-san or Vivi-chan ever again and be forced into a life of constantly being the marimo-brain's uke. He was not anyone's bitch, damn it all… nor did he want male bitches. That was a creepy enough thought all on its own, especially if those bitches happened to be his crewmate and captain.

"You're just pissed because I'd show you up," Zoro said casually. Sanji glared at him through the corner of his eyes.

"Just drop it, alright?" Sanji sneered. "Let's just concentrate on finding the way to Nami-san and Vivi-chan."

"Whatever," Zoro grunted.

**80808080808080808**

Vivi knew what Nami's personality was like, so none of this was really new. It is just that the _intensity_ in which this particular public display was taking place happened to be more superfluous than necessary, and that scared the wits out of her.

It had all started when Sanji never came home to the _Merry_ the night before. Nami really could have cared less about the rest of the crew not showing up after a while, but Sanji was the one who cooked dinner and served them like a lovesick puppy, so he was important to keep on a short leash. This resulted in a more-than-irked navigator and a burnt batch of pork chops. Vowing revenge upon Sanji and the pork chops, Nami set out very early in the morning, dragging the princess along with her. After failing to find Henk the bartender at his post in the tavern, Nami decided to go straight to the source and scour the circus for the missing crew. She started asking around angrily, but that scared more people than anything else. It was not until they saw a brightly-garbed man with a painted face sniffling at the entrance of a tent did they finally get an answer.

"A kid with a straw hat, a kid with a stupid nose and pretty hair, a reindeer, a green-haired man and an ero-cook? Sure I saw them! I tried to get to the swordsman, but he ran away from me…"

It was with those words Nami began beating relentlessly on the clown named Moogles. This had resulted in quite the crowd gathering. None of the carnival folk assisted their fallen comrade, for most of them thought it would simply "build character".

"Right then," Nami growled, grabbing Moogles by the collar and boring holes into him with her eyes. "Tell me, where was the last place you saw those two men. I want an answer, _**now**_."

"I-I-I do not remember! I've been looking for the one with green-hair myself and I saw the cook walk off into a hall with one of the dancers and the other three walk off with one of the sideshow fortune-tellers! That was yesterday, but even if I saw them ten minutes ago, it would be no use! We have three large tents that are all connected by many passageways. You'd have to of either been in this circus almost your entire life or have an inner compass to find your way in there!"

"Alright," Nami growled, dropping the cowering man. Her head snapped over towards Vivi and she scowled. "Let's go."

"Coming Nami-san," Vivi smiled nervously, thankful that Caroo had been left sleeping on the _Merry_. She followed Nami into the tent and the two women glanced around.

Moogles was right. Everything did look pretty much the same.

Suddenly, a shrill scream pierced the air. It was followed by a chorus of giggles and squealing, coming from the north-bound corridor. Nami frowned and began walking.

"Step one: Chopper," she grumbled. "He'll be able to sniff the other four knuckle-heads out."

"Please don't be hasty Nami-san!" Vivi called out as she followed the fuming woman. This was probably the worst-tempered Vivi had ever seen the redhead and it was really, truly frightening.

**80808080808080808**

The tent was dark and full of whispers. The large throng of customers had long since been seated and the lights had just dimmed, leaving a singular strand of light to pour upon the very center of the arena. An older man walked into the circle, smartly dressed in a suit and slickbacked blue-grey hair, grinning profusely.

"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen!" he boomed with a voice trained to reach over those of others. "My name is Pram and I am proud to present, the Event of the Year! Please give a large round of applause for your favorite troupe and mine, the Gringling Circus!"

A dull roar came from the crowd as the lights quickly dimmed back on. Clowns came from every entrance, performing humorous acts and fooling around in an improvisation act for the start of the circus. From one of the entrances, three figures stood, staring out into the commotion, unwilling to move.

"Luffy, I don't think I can do this," Usopp gulped. He gazed at the large number of people that were in the tent, as well as the height of the trapeze. Those things combined caused the sniper to quake at the knees.

"Don't make me go out there Usopp!" Luffy wailed, hugging his nakama around the middle.

"Oh, don't chicken out on me now!" Darla whined. "Usopp-san, Luffy-kun, please don't leave. Please, go out there for me?"

"Darla, I don't know if we can," Usopp said with a nervous look on his face. "It's kind of rare for Luffy to be afraid of something and if he's scared, I'm scared."

"Luffy-kun!" Darla pleaded. She pulled the straw-hatted teen from his friend and held his hands firmly. "Don't wuss out now! I really want to go out there with you and Usopp-san! Hasn't practice been fun?"

Luffy did not respond verbally. Instead, he gulped and gaped wide-eyed at the girl standing before him, his face tinting to roughly the same color of his costume. Usopp gave a slight snicker at the sight, but almost fell backwards when Darla leaned forward and landed a light peck of a kiss on Luffy's cheek.

"Please Luffy-kun," she reiterated. "Please go out there with me." Once again, Luffy was struck speechless, except this time the faintest lopsided grin twitched on his lips.

"I think that means yes," Usopp interrupted. Darla giggled merrily and threw her arms around both Luffy and Usopp.

"Thank you!" she smiled. "You two are some of the best men I've ever worked with on the trapeze! You could even replace Sai-kun and Kai-kun!"

"I thought that was what we were doing temporarily," Usopp mentioned, gently prying Darla's arm from him. "I thought they were sick."

"They are, but they were not the first choice to have on the trapeze once we began the act," the girl explained. "Sai-kun and Kai-kun were working in the game stands outside the tents before we recruited them for the trapeze. You two are so much better than they are, you could stay here with us forever! They even told me one day that they felt more at home with their old jobs! It would be perfect!"

"…but Darla, we're pirates," Usopp argued. "That won't work. We've got to find One Piece and Luffy here's gonna become the Pirate King! Don't you get it? We can't stay forever."

"We can't?" Luffy asked. Usopp snarled and grabbed Luffy by the crook of his neck, shaking him violently.

"You idiot! Don't you dare do this to me! What about our dreams!? What about the others!? How could you!?"

"What about Darla?" Luffy asked, his words wobbly from being shaken. Usopp allowed his grip to slide up towards Luffy's throat and continued shaking his captain.

"All for a girl!?! You are willing to throw away all the dreams and aspirations I thought you would never abandon for a girl!?! Stop having those goddamned Sanji Thoughts!"

Usopp was so concentrated on the act of punishing Luffy that he failed to realize that Pram was announcing their act. The clowns were done with and since Kimba was not feeling very well, the acrobats were moved forward in the line-up. The spotlight suddenly focused on the three teens, all of whom froze in place when they were exposed to the harsh light.

"Come on! Don't be shy!" Pram shouted from the center of the arena. He waved them in and Usopp, Luffy and Darla all walked into the center of the tent, stopping right next to Pram.

"This is a truly special treat for you all today!" Pram announced. "Today, we have two newcomers to our troupe! Along with the veteran Darla, we have Luffy and Usopp, brave individuals of the utmost caliber! These three, although so young, are going to brave the ferocious height of our trapeze ropes, providing you with good, quality entertainment!"

"Usopp," Luffy whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I think we're gonna die."

**80808080808080808**

A half-human Chopper shivered as he sat in Vivi's arms, the reindeer shaking up a storm. He was covered from antler to hoof in glitter and clumps of his fur had been tied up into purple bows. The two fangirls that were chasing after him were on the ground unconscious, a triumphant Nami towering over them. She retrieved the doctor's hat from the top of one of the fangirls' head and returned it to its rightful owner.

"Th-th-thanks for sa-saving me..." Chopper said shakily. "It was so awful. They wouldn't let me go anywhere. I couldn't even get back to Luffy and Usopp..."

"Where's Sanji?" Nami growled. Vivi cast her a look of disapproval when Chopper cringed at the harshness of the navigator's voice.

"When was the last time you saw the others?" Vivi asked calmly. Chopper sniffled and took a long, hard thought.

"I was going to get food yesterday for Usopp, Luffy, Darla and me when I was attacked and that was the last time I saw anyone. There was this group of girls just standing there, all crowded around a closet. When they saw me, they screamed and began chasing after me. I hated all those little outfits they made me wear! I am not made for a size two dress!"

"Have you seen Sanji-san or Mr. Bushido?" Vivi asked. Chopper shook his head and sighed.

"Nope. The last time I saw them was when we first came here. Zoro disappeared quickly and Sanji went off to flirt. Luffy and Usopp are probably very busy right now though. They have to replace some guys who are sick."

"Oh really...?" Nami hissed, her face hardening into a frightening scowl. Her upper lip curled into a sneer. "Chopper, I think we are going to need you nose more than ever."

* * *

**Translations**

I am too lazy to find any.


	5. Gerbils, Threats, Negotiations and Lies

Here we are! The final chapter! I would like to thank _**Sakura**_-chan and **_Dream_**-san for being so sopportive and the Academy for picking shitty movies... wait... why would I thank them for that? Oh well... this chapter has the best of the Zoro/Sanji-almost-yaoi (in my opinion) and wraps everything up nicely. I'm glad that I'm happy with the ending. Makes things nice. Now my next fiction to work with alongside Illicit Mmeories is in the testing phase. That one'll be angry though, and rated M most likely. Whatever. I do not own _One Piece_!

* * *

**Don't Tell Dad I'm Dating the Straw Hat**

Go: _Gerbils, Threats, Negotiations and Lies_

Zoro was hungry.

Granted he had not eaten for almost thirty-six hours at this point and knew he could go for longer, but he still felt as if he had been tied to another execution post. Zoro glared at Sanji, who was casually leaning on a crate, taking a deep drag of his cigarette. The swordsman figured that for Sanji, the very concept of smoking was similar to a morsel of food, considering that he had taken to smoking more vigorously as the time in the tent crept along. Now, Sanji was taking in his current one slowly, for it was his last one from the pack. Zoro sat and leaned up against the opposite wall of the hallway in vexation, watching Sanji carefully as the precious time was wasted.

"You know," Sanji began, just as Zoro was about to fall asleep. "I've been thinking."

"Don't hurt yourself," Zoro snorted.

"What if we don't see Nami-san and Vivi-chan again? What if they leave the island without us?"

"I'm the first mate. You're the chef. We sort of have to be there. Since when are you the idiot here?"

"They could," Sanji shrugged. He made a disappointed sound as he realized the cigarette had been burned to the filter and snuffed it out on the ground with his heel. "Nami-san was able to sail the ship from the Baratie to Cocoyashi without anyone else. What's stopping her from leaving us with Vivi-chan and that idiot duck helping her?"

"She's a spoiled-rotten bitch who's too lazy to set sail herself?" Zoro offered.

"She could find the others and have them do it."

"Since when do you care so much?"

"Since we were being chased by these, though it pains me to say it, heartless women." Sanji sighed and wished silently he had another cigarette. "It just sort of makes me think, you know?"

"About how some women are more turned on when you kiss a guy instead of them?" Zoro added bluntly.

"Is there any reason as to why I am being graced with your glorious conception of the term 'tact' at the moment?" Sanji snarled. Zoro stared blankly.

"I'm hungry."

Sanji flared his nostrils and grunted. "You sound like Luffy."

"…who is probably someone we should be looking for right now, along with Usopp and Chopper."

Sanji shoved his hands deep inside his pockets and growled in disdain. He hated being alone with only the marimo as company for such an extended period of time. Such things should have been illegal or something like that. Ever since the two of them were first chased off by fangirls, the chef thought that the swordsman was acting very strange. Well, more like stranger than usual, but the idea was there.

"You know, this conversation barely makes any sense," Sanji muttered. "It's like some sort of bad narration sequence."

"Food. Now," Zoro grunted, solid on his stance.

Sanji simply rubbed his temple, wishing he had another smoke.

Suddenly, a voice cut through the air, followed by others of the high-pitched and squealing nature. Sanji and Zoro both went wide-eyed and tensed up, aware of the current threat of danger.

"There they are!" shouted the Head Fangirl. Sanji and Zoro began to bolt down the hallway in an attempt to escape, but were cut off by another throng of fangirls, all giggling and with viciousness gleaming in their eyes.

Trapped. Trapped like rats… in a cage full of hyperactive gerbils.

"Well, it was nice to know you before your uke days," Zoro gulped, backing up so that he and the cook were back-to-back. Sanji elbowed him in the side and sneered.

"Bite me," he growled.

"Don't say that. They might just make me do it."

**80808080808080808**

"So, do you smell anything yet?" Nami scowled, sitting impatiently on a crate and tapping her foot. Chopper, in full reindeer form, sniffed the air and shook his head.

"No," he sighed. "All I can smell is a really bad odor coming from everywhere and the perfume the fangirls put on me."

"Is there any chance that the really bad odor could be Mr. Bushido?" Vivi asked as kindly as possible.

"Not in the slightest," Chopper answered. "This is circus smell, a combination of stale popcorn, animal poo and the vinyl tent being aired out after travel."

"Zoro sometimes smells like poo," Nami retorted. "Are you sure it's not him?"

"I'm sure."

"Well then, I think I know what we should do," Vivi said. "I think we need to go back outside and find one of the workers. If Nami goes and threatens them again, I'm sure they would turn over Usopp and Luffy. Then we can go from there and have them help us find Sanji-san and Mr. Bushido and we'll be back to the ship before lunchtime!"

"No wonder you're a princess, Vivi," Nami sighed, standing up and walking towards the entrance of the tent. "You come up with some of the best plans sometimes."

Vivi giggled triumphantly as she followed the redhead out into the sunlight.

**80808080808080808**

Luffy gulped as he stood on the small platform, holding the bar squarely in front of him. Attached to either end of the bar was two pieces of rope that went all the way up to the top of the tent. About a hundred or so meters away, on another platform, stood Darla and Usopp, both of whom ready to begin their act. The lights from below were hot on the teen's skin, making him sweat more than he was before.

"Come on Luffy-kun!" Darla shouted from the other side. She clutched a roped bar as well, waiting patiently for Luffy to give the cue. Somehow, all the practice in an empty tent just seemed to disappear as Luffy stood frozen stiff.

"Luffy! If you don't move right now, it's a Certain-Death Boshi for you!" Usopp threatened. The straw-hatted teen gulped and allowed himself to fall down from the platform. He held on tightly to the wooden rod until he could feel the momentum move him forward no more, let go and began to tumble in mid-air. He suddenly felt Darla's hands grab his and they swung back towards Usopp and then out again to the middle. There, they had to let go and Luffy ended up catching the free wooden bar with the insides of his knees.

"What an act these kids are!" Pram chortled from his place down below on the ground. None of the patrons heard him though, for most were staring with wide, excited eyes at the fledgling acrobats. "What natural talent! This is truly an event, folks!" A smile slipped across his face as he thought privately.

_Oh, this is a show alright_, he chuckled inwardly. _I saw the end of their act and those two boys are supposed to end up standing on the larger platform together. Henk and I were right to rig it earlier to fall under their weight, which is much more than what it would be if it was one of those idiots and my lovely granddaughter. That idiot Mugiwara messes with one member of my family, he messes with us all!_

Just then, Pram gasped, staring wide-eyed at the performance that was taking place. There was a deviation from the plan! Darla was gently dropped by the long-nosed freak on the larger platform and then proceeded to make his way over to the smaller platform. After he was safely on the wooden board, it was the Mugiwara, the _**Straw Hat**_, who began to head over towards the larger platform with Darla waiting patiently for him.

_No! The plan! It's not going to work!_

Luffy slammed his feet down onto the platform besides Darla and grinned. The young woman took his hand and raised it in victory. Usopp did his own dance of accomplishment. Below, the crowd roared with delight.

"There they are… our wonderful acrobats…" Pram said softly, unsure about what to do now. He gaped at Luffy and Darla, attempting to formulate a new, quick way to off Luffy and Usopp before the day was done.

That was about when the crowd screamed.

The wooden platform that Luffy had slammed his feet on had been shaken too violently by the impact and gave way to the weight of the two performers. Pram was unable to move, the shock of the event immobilizing him unwillingly. Darla clutched onto Luffy as they fell, caterwauling in the most terrified manner she could muster. Luffy just held the girl in his arms tightly and rolled in the air so that he would be the one to hit the ground first.

Luffy did hit the ground first… and he bounced.

The crowd, who had just been screaming, fell silent as Luffy and Darla bounced up and down, the boy in red seemingly unphased by a fall from about three or four stories in the air. Once he stopped bouncing, Luffy laid on the ground spread-eagle and laughed heartily.

"That was fun!" he boomed. After a second, the crowd in the stands erupted in laughter as well, exclamations about the suspenseful show being so effective.

"Luffy-kun! You saved me!" Darla exclaimed, sitting up on the dirt floor. Luffy sat up too and looked at her sweetly.

"Of course. I really like you Darla! Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh, Luffy!" Darla laughed, sighing a huge breath of relief. She rested her forehead against his in a fit of giggles.

"Luffy!? Darla!? Are you two okay?!" Usopp panicked as he slid down a free piece of rope to the ground. He trotted over to Luffy and Darla and rolled his eyes when he saw that things were indeed alright. The clowns were out now, distracting the patrons from the scene that was being created. Usopp helped his captain stand and the three stood there, unsure about what to do. Luffy kept his arm around Darla's shoulders, keeping her close.

"Get your hands off of her!" snarled Pram as he stomped over towards the three teenagers. He yanked Darla away from Luffy and with his other hand, grabbed the pirate captain by the top of his costume threateningly. "Stay away from her, you hear!? It's a shame my idiot son couldn't kill you when he had the chance!"

"What are you talking about?" Luffy asked, rather confused. "I don't know who your son is!"

"Of course you do! Don't play dumb with me, boy!" Pram hissed. "You mess with one man from this circus and you mess with them all!"

"I don't get it..." Luffy admitted bluntly. Pram began to march off towards the exit, dragging Luffy along with him. Darla and Usopp followed close behind, watching closely as Pram disappeared with Luffy into one of the staff entrances.

"You snot-nosed little brat!" Pram hissed. He pinned Luffy against the wall and smiled daggers. "How could you forget my son so quickly, hm, _**Mugiwara**_?"

It took Luffy a little while to think. He looked at Pram and studied the way his face twitched when he was scowling, the red nose, the blue hair streaked liberally with grey. Something was tugging at his memory.

Oh! Now he understood.

"That Bug-guy? Really?" Luffy asked. "He was weird. You're really his dad?" The teen shrugged casually.

"You shit!" Pram roared, decking Luffy across the face and letting him fall to the ground.

"Luffy-kun!" Darla exclaimed. She began to run over, but Pram raised his right hand, halting her in mid-stride.

"I'll deal with you later," he growled. "Just let me take care of this right now."

"Take care of what?" a stern voice demanded, slicing through the air. Everyone glanced towards the entrance to the hall and saw Nami, Vivi, Chopper and a set of identical male twins that were in their early twenties.

"Sai-kun! Kai-kun!" Darla gasped. "I thought Elsa-san said you were sick!"

"Sick of being locked up in that chest," one of the men muttered. "Pram-san, you were a fool to have left Henk-san to guard us. He's not a very good fight."

"What do you two think you are doing!?" Nami screeched, stomping forward to where Usopp was standing. She grabbed hold of his ear and dragged him over to where Luffy was and snatched his ear lobe as well. "We have been looking all over for you two!"

"Are… are you his girlfriend?" Darla asked Nami nervously. The redhead scowled.

"I'm his navigator."

"Oh, okay," Darla said. She looked at Luffy and said silently "call me".

Luffy nodded and mouthed "okay" in reply.

"Hey, you were in the report too!" Pram said, glancing up and down at Nami. "You're the bitch that fooled my boy!" Nami glanced over at Pram and after two seconds, scoffed.

"Your boy's an idiot," she said bluntly. Pram thought about retorting, but when he saw the look of murder in Nami's eyes, he decided against it. All he could do was watch as Nami dragged Usopp and Luffy out of the tent, throwing a continuous stream of insults at both of them. Vivi followed close behind, content with the fact that they were one step closer to their goal.

"Don't tell Dad about my boyfriend, alright?" Darla said blandly as she too watched the pirates leave.

"Sure," Pram answered, not even hearing the request. He was still amazed at how some random woman made him so scared.

**80808080808080808**

"I'm cold," Sanji shivered. The chef ran his hands over his upper arms in an attempt to warm them, but it was of no use. He was still shaking as the cool air from only who-knows-where gently rolled over him as he sat in only his heart-print boxer shorts.

"You're a wimp," Zoro scowled. He was also sitting in his black boxer shorts, his back against Sanji's. He was used to working out in such conditions, so he was rather undaunted by the torture the fangirls were trying to attempting to inflict.

"Oh, shut up, aho-marimo," Sanji cursed. "If I had a smoke, I'd stub it out on you're back 'cause you're so stupid you wouldn't feel a thing."

"You two sure are resilient," the Head Fangirl scowled. All around them, other lesser fangirls stood giggling and squealing, waiting for the moment where Sanji and Zoro would become so cold, they would hug. The Head Fangirl walked up to Zoro and stared him right in the eyes. "You look familiar."

"Back at Fortuna Isle," the swordsman spat. "If I recall correctly, in _'the first threesome in a long time'_."

"Oh…" the Head Fangirl smiled, assessing the situation with newfound glee. "Then do you remember our terms last time we encountered one another?"

"Yeah," Zoro answered.

"Terms? What '_terms'_?" Sanji hissed.

"Just relax," Zoro muttered back.

"Same terms," the Head Fangirl said. Zoro grunted.

"That's it?"

"That's it."

"What's going on here?" Sanji snapped, turning his head so that he could catch a glimpse of the Head Fangirl smirking maliciously.

"I just negotiated our release," Zoro said grimly. He paused and sighed.

"What negotiation?" Sanji asked. He turned full about so that he was looking at Zoro's back. The swordsman slowly turned around and shuddered, as if about to commit the ultimate sin.

"It's just such a goddamn good thing you already look like a chick," he said.

"What!?" Sanji gasped, completely horrified. He was not even able to react when Zoro threw him to the ground.

"Hey, just let's do this quickly and then they'll let us go," the green-haired man whispered in Sanji's ear. The blond blanched as his shoulders were pinned down. "I swear, neither of us will ever speak of it again."

"Are you insane!?" Sanji snarled. "I'm not doing this with you! No way!"

"There's no way out. We're trapped. They want fan-service and are not going to let us go free until we give it to them."

"Some great swordsman you are, marimo-brains! Can't you stand up to a bunch of women!?"

"Neither can you."

"There's still no way!"

"Just shut up while I get us out of here," Zoro mumbled. Shivering in disgust at himself, he bit Sanji's ear suggestively, sending of a round of fangirl squealing.

"Get off of me!" Sanji demanded, attempting to shove off Zoro. "This is sick!"

"I know it is!" Zoro retorted. "Do you really think I even want to touch you!?"

"Baka-marimo!"

"Shit-bastard!"

Soon, Sanji and Zoro were wrestling on the ground, attempting to show the other that their way was the right one. The fangirls squealed and squeaked, very pleased by the display. This went of for a few minutes, that is, until a certain redhead came to the rescue.

"Zoro! Sanji-kun!" she snapped over the noise, halting all activity. The fangirls all glared at Nami viciously while the two men remained frozen, entwined in a position they would rather not been in, particularly while in front of Nami.

"Why are you here?" the Head Fangirl sneered at the navigator. "These are ours. Go away."

"Hey Sanji! Hey Zoro!" grinned Luffy as he fought his way through the fangirl crowd, still dressed in his acrobat's outfit. He looked at his first mate and chef curiously. "What'cha doin'?"

"Never you mind!" Sanji growled, shoving a petrified Zoro off of him. He glided over towards Nami and gave her a look of pleading. "Are you here to rescue us, Nami-swan?"

"You never came back to the ship last night," Nami said, her voice low and dripping acid.

"I assure you that if it were not for…"

"PORK CHOPS!" Nami screamed, making Sanji jump. He stared at Nami with fright, unsure about what that meant.

"Let's go, minna!" Luffy said happily. He grabbed Zoro by the hand and began dragging him away, making a few of the fangirls coo in delight.

"I am never letting any of you out of my sight when we're in port, again!" Nami announced as she led the guys over to where Usopp, Chopper and Vivi were standing. The sniper, princess and reindeer gave the cook, captain and swordsman all sideward glances.They all agreed silently as they headed off to spend the remainder of the three weeks cooped up in the ship.

They were never, _ever_, _ever_ talking about this again.

_**Ever**_.

* * *

OWARI

* * *

…

* * *

I LIED

* * *

A few days later, somewhere else on the Grand Line, Buggy grunted dissatisfactorily as he was repeatedly pecked in the face. Opening an irritated eye, he saw that there was a mail bird sitting on the railing next to where he lay on a beach chair, Alvida cuddled up to his side. He had been having a perfectly erotic fantasy he wanted to put into action later that night, but just when he had gotten to the part with the bondage, the bird interrupted, putting the pirate into a right irked mood.

"Goddamn bird," he hissed, snatching the piece of paper attached to the bird's ankle. Not wanting to wait around for a response, the bird zoomed away before Ritchie could catch wind of him and try to pounce the poor thing for his dinner.

"What is it Buggy?" Alvida groaned, shifting in her spot. She held onto Buggy's arm to keep from sliding off the chair as she sat up and watched the man as he opened the letter.

"It's something from my dad," Buggy said, a disgusted look on his face. "He must have some sort of tale to tell me about home. Maybe another elephant sat on my cousin Sai."

"That's right, you grew up in a circus, didn't you?" Alvida said, placing a finger on Buggy's nose. "That nose is to remind you of home, right?"

"...and only you are allowed to say it Alvida, my dear," Buggy smirked. His humorous expression was wiped from his face, however, once he started to read the letter.

"_**WHAT!?!?!?!**_"

"Buggy-sama!"called out his first and second mate as the two men ran up to the deck. Cabaji and Mohji just stared as Buggy as the man stomped around on the deck, a piece of paper clutched in his hand and his face as bright as his nose.

"No! No! No! No! No! This can't be!" the pirate captain snarled. "Curse you Mugiwara! How dare you do that to her!?"

"Straw Hat? You mean Luffy!?" Alvida gasped. "What did he do!?"

"He was on my home island last week!"

"Is this a bad thing? Now we have an idea as to where he is," Mohji mentioned.

"No, that's a horrible thing!" Buggy wailed. "How dare he!? My Darla-chan!"

"Darla-chan!?" Mohji and Cabaji gasped. Alvida looked at the three men blandly, expecting a translation. The men in question not only failed to deliver, but all just ended up sitting on the floor moping only to have Ritchie come over and start batting the mates with his large paw.

"Who's Darla?" Alvida eventually asked.

"Buggy-sama's daughter," Cabaji explained. "She was like a niece to Cabaji and me. Now Straw Hat's done something to her, hasn't he Buggy-sama?"

"He stole my baby-girl's heart!" Buggy cried lugubriously. "She wants to date him!" Alvida walked over to him and gave the captain a good nudge in the side.

"You have a **kid**?"

"Yeah..." Buggy looked up to see that Alvida seemed very cross.

"You never told me."

"I was going to..."

"When?"

"Eventually...?" he winced.

"That's it. You're sleeping with the crew for the next week," Alvida hissed, storming off for the room that she formerly shared with Buggy until that moment. Buggy thus became a emotional puddle on the deck, cursing Luffy with every chance he got.

"Alvida-san does not seem like parenting material, does she Cabaji?"

"No Mohji, she does not. Rather, she looks kind of pissed."

"Pissed. Yeah."

Richie grumbled in agreement.


End file.
